It's crazy how many events have been molding my view on life in the last few months. I've been just filling up with frustration, fear, sadness, confusion, you name it. In order to deal with everything, I simply prayed a prayer of release and decided that I would just create an emotional barrier between myself and other people. Only yesterday did I realize that avoidance is not working. The weight from the inner emotional toil was officially too much for me. Why was this not working? Trusting no one, avoiding any conflict, helping when and if I need to, observing everyone, doesn't that sound like a good way to deal with it? It seemed so foolproof. Last night, I went to a missional community (a Christian gathering under the Blueprint church) and we were talking about authenticity and confession and being missionaries. How can I bring people closer to Christ if I won't even allow myself to get close to them? When Jesus was here, he developed relationships with everyone and drew them closer to God in his character and his actions. I made a decision of avoidance. I had planned to politely tell one person to keep their problems to themselves and others to just avoid me. This morning, I read in Galations 6 that we as Christians are called to bear one another's burdens. I was reminded at that moment that this life is not about me. What was I doing? Why was I really trying to live so selfishly? Any plans that were made in my mind the night before had been replaced, replaced with a plan of love. (But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; Matthew 5:44 KJV) This morning, I went into my car to get my CDs and put the music on my phone for my intended run. I needed to clear my head. It's ironic that I was so ready to go running again even though the last time I did, my soul was not relieved. I ended up listening to the songs while in my car and spotting my bible. I felt so compelled to open it, to read it. What was I looking for? Nothing. I just felt that maybe a verse or two would offer relief as I waited for the gym to open. What did I actually find? Everything. My bible opened up to the story of Jesus' betrayal, right in the middle of it to avoid any confusion as to what I was supposed to read. Jesus told them that he was going to be betrayed, denied and those same people who were at the forefront basically mocked him by trying to assert their loyalty. Jesus spent years ministering with these men, yet when he needed them to pray with him or even to just stand up for him, they would not. He wanted to just forget about the whole thing. In the end, Christ had no one but God in heaven, and that love he had was all He needed to proceed with bearing all of our burdens. Father if this be your will, I will do it was his cry. He went back to his friends whom he had left to pray and wait for him only to find them asleep. Are these the people he is dying for and what of all of the other that have never been able to experience the level of intimacy with Christ that they had? Did Christ really die for such selfish creatures for love? My God IS love. When people met and interacted with my Jesus, in all his purity and sincerity, they hated him. They ridiculed him and killed him. Then how, as a being so insignificant and so full of sin, can I expect better treatment? How can I expect that in my walk with God everything will be perfect? If man didn't like nor trust the embodiment of love and fairness, why would I expect them all to like and trust me? I can't even attest to having 1/10 of Christ's love and honesty. Reading Matthew 26 brought me to tears. All this happened to my Christ, yet he continued on. He fought and died to love humanity and to this day, we reject him daily. We push Jesus aside as though our plans for ourselves are superior to God's law and plan. Our purpose on earth is to fear God and keep his commandments. With love being at the root of God's law, why should we leave love out of our lives? Last night, someone said that once we love God and love one another, we can really just do whatever we want. I was taken aback at the 'whatever we want' statement at first. They were referencing love as described in Corinthians, perfect, fearless love. Love that makes us want to do nothing less than serve one another and Christ.
Spending this morning with Christ has provided me with more peace than I could have imagined. It's ridiculous how I still behave as a skeptic in my responses. My prayer is that I truly learn to love and live my life with Christ as my captain. Pray that I make Christ my primary goal (Put ye first the kingdom of God) and truly allow for all else to fall into the place where God wants them. I'm tired of fighting to control a ship that I have no instruction nor idea as to how to steer, Lord take my life and create in my the messenger that you want me to be.
