Holding Grudges

I'm supposed to be studying right now, but I just can't focus. I keep thinking of things that I want to fix about myself, constructive procrastination as I'll call it. Or maybe I just had too much coffee, I never usually finish a medium as I did today. Either way I wanted to address holding grudges. Last Friday, in apart of our bible study, we addressed holding grudges. Who does it, and why do we do it? When answering this question, I as well as two other people reported not holding grudges. I mean, people do things all the time, but I never hold them to it. I don't seek out vengeance and rarely express any sign of hurt when these things happen. I have a forgive but don't forget policy. That night, two people came over to our apartment (a girl who I really like and a guy who I really don't). This guy had actually been a good friend of mine last semester until he said something to me that had hurt my feelings. I decided that he had hurt my feelings all too much and I just couldn't be around someone like him. This escalated to an outright disgust for this guy. I didn't even care to talk to him about it when he had wanted to address the issue. I was content in my decision. So, whenever I saw him, I just wouldn't talk to him. Pausing here, is that not holding a grudge? It hit me this past weekend that although I don't hold grudges against strangers, I hold them against those who are the closest to me. It's just I hold the people who I love and respect to the same standard, and am appalled when they don't meet them. This occurred to me so strikingly when my roommates and friends had knocked of something of mine in my absence. When I returned and saw it, I immediately ran through three other instances where something similar had happened and started thinking of ways that I can avoid/ignore them for the next semester. Even after a night's sleep, I was still ready to disown them. How could I overlook that side of me? In my self-evaluation, I realize that not only do I hold grudges against close friends, but also against almost all of my family members. If I can't wholeheartedly love those who are closest to my heart, how can I go out into the world and say I love those who I've never met before. "I love you kind stranger of whom I am first meeting, but my grandmother, now that's another story." Does that even make sense? My goal is to work towards freeing myself of these grudges, something I know will not be achieved without serious prayer. I've been learning that we can't change on our will alone, only God can free us from these sins that are bounding us.